How To Deal With Toxic Friends

One of the more common topics that keeps coming up when I’m Coaching people is the question of how to deal with friends who, let’s just say, don’t treat you with the respect that you deserve.

We all know the type of person I’m talking about, right?  The person who just seems to be all about them.  The one who’s “always there for you”, whenever THEY need you.  But if you ever need them, they’re always “too busy”.  I think everyone has at least 1 friend who fits into this category.

In the past, I was certainly as guilty as anyone of allowing people in my life who were really not worthy of my time and energy.  Over time, as I’ve learned to treat myself with the self-love and respect that I deserve, I've gradually filtered most of these kinds of people out of my life.

The one exception to that was my oldest friend, who for quite some time now hasn’t been treating me with the respect that I deserve.  I've known for a long time that I really need to eliminate this negativity out of my life, and all my other friends keep telling me this as well.

But, you know what it’s like, we’ve been friends for so long and we’ve been through so much together, that you WANT to think the best of them.  You WANT to think that one day she’ll realise the error of her ways.  I keep telling myself that “it’s just a faze she’s going through, and eventually she’ll go back to the way that she was”.  This of course never happened, and recently I had to make the tough decision that I needed to cut this person out of my life.

The whole process of going through this got me to thinking about WHY we allow people like this in our lives when we should really know better.  It suddenly hit me like DOH, of course!  Why didn’t I figure this out before!

I realised, there were 2 basic reasons for me keeping this person in my life.  Maybe you’ve experienced something like this with some of your friends as well. 

The first reason is that I was feeling like I had this massive need for vindication.  Like this person was constantly doing the wrong thing by me, and as humans when someone does the wrong thing by you, you feel like you need a 3^rd party endorsement just to reassure you that it really is THAT person who has done the wrong thing and not you. 

I guess I thought that by keeping this person in my life, they would eventually come to their senses and apologise, and that would clear everything up.  Not only did this not happen, BUT this person would always try to blame me for everything as well.  

Ever since the youngest age, I’ve always been a person of the highest integrity and I felt it was a personal insult, as well as a massive betrayal, that this person would stoop to making up stuff about me.  So then everyone that she spoke to would be thinking things about me that simply weren’t true.  I was suffering from the NEED to feel like I had control over what people thought about me.  I always thought that if I was a person of integrity then no one could ever say that I didn’t have integrity.  That is of course NOT the case.  You have absolutely no control what so ever over what other people think of you.

The valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that you can’t control what other people think of you so there’s no point in worrying about it.  I’ve learned to accept the fact that there will unfortunately be some people in your life who will do the wrong thing by you, use you, have absolutely no remorse, and then go and tell everyone that they meet that it was all your fault!

Fortunately for me though, I’m now in a place of not worrying about those people.  Instead, I focus on the things that I CAN control, which is my own character.  It has been said, “Don’t try to make everyone like you, focus on being your true authentic self and then the RIGHT people will LOVE you!”.

You have to be the SOURCE of what you want to see showing up in your life.  If you want success, money, love, health or whatever you want, BE the source of that.  I’ve learned that integrity is just simply too important to me to allow anyone else or anything external to be the source of my feeling of integrity.  I realised that I had to be the source of that feeling of integrity. 

Until I accepted that, I was always holding on to toxic relationships hoping to eventually get that sense of vindication.  Once I learned to accept that, I was able to effortlessly let go of those toxic relationships and move on.

Being able to move on, the second thing that I had to understand is how I seem to keep attracting these toxic people into my reality in the first place, so that I can prevent this from happening in the future.

The second thing I had to understand is what we were discussing in my last Blog which is that when you place a high importance on a label, such as “Integrity”, you will attract the opposite of that into your reality to give you contrast.  If you haven’t yet, go back and read my last Blog first, what I’m about to say will make much more sense then.

But basically to re-cap, what was happening is that I was placing a very high value on having “Integrity” in my relationships and on my BEING things like “Loyal”, “Supportive” and “Understanding”.  I’m the type of person who’s always there for my friends.  These things were all VERY important to me.  I’d hate to think that anyone would ever say that I was not a loyal friend.  So I therefore attached a lot of importance to that label, and the same applied to a whole host of other labels as well.

As we discussed previously, because it was so important for me to have these labels, The Universe was seeking to prove to me that I was all of those things by bringing into my reality the exact opposite of that.  So the more importance I placed on those things, the more The Universe would bring into my reality people who were the exact opposite so as to demonstrate to me that COMPARED TO THEM, I was a loyal person and so forth.

Now that I have eliminated all of these undesirable influences from my life, I’m free to ensure that I only have the RIGHT people in my life from now on.  And the way to do it is that I’ve eliminated the need to have these labels in my life.  I no longer feel the need to label myself as being loyal for example.  I have internalised the FEELINGS of what it meant for me to be a loyal person.  I no longer need to focus on BEING loyal because I just focus on being true to my authentic self.  If I am ME, I will by default be a loyal person, I will by default be understanding and supportive.  If I just focus on being my true authentic self, then I can’t avoid being by default a person of the highest integrity.

My challenge for you is to do an audit on your life and identify those “labels” that you have been applying to yourself.   Go through the questions below.  Some of the answers will be quite personal for you, so you don’t need to answer these here on the Blog, but go through the exercise of answering these questions to yourself…

1)      Can you think of an example of how having a label to describe yourself has resulted in you attracting the exact opposite of your label?

2)      Can you see how labels have been influencing the relationships in your life?

3)      Do you have any toxic relationships in your life at the moment that you need to eliminate?

4)      If yes, based on what we’ve learned so far, what are the reasons you believe you have allowed these toxic relationships to continue?

5)      What do you resolve that you are going to do moving forward to ensure that you have more empowering relationships?

If you find that this has been beneficial for you, you may be interested in taking your life to the next level by taking advantage of my personal 1 on 1 Coaching.  Visit the website at www.dreamfulfilmentlab.com for more information.

The Best Piece Of Advice I’ve Received In The Past 12 Months.

"In The Absence of That Which You Are Not, That Which You Are Is Not".

As a keen student of personal development, I devour every bit of wisdom I can get from all sources.  Recently I heard something from one of my favourite authors, Neal Donald Walsch.  What he said was this…

“In the absence of that which you are not, that which you are is not”.

Now at first, this can be a little hard to understand.  It took me a little while, but once I got my head around this, it was really profound.  So just in case you’re having as much trouble with this as I was initially, let me just explain to you how this works.

Let’s say for example that you were a really tall person who is 7 feet tall.  Being 7 feet tall is a truth about you that doesn’t change.  For example, you will always be exactly the same height, 7 feet tall.  However when people refer to you as being a “Tall” person, that is a relative term.  You can only ever be “Tall” in comparison with other people.  By our societal standards, anyone who is 7 foot tall is “Tall”.  But if EVERYONE was 7 foot tall, you would no longer be “Tall”, you would be “Normal”.  If you lived in a world where the average person was 9 foot tall, then you would actually be considered “Short” by comparison.

All the time, your height hasn’t changed, but the label that is applied to you changes relative to how you compare to other people.  So compared to other people, you are tall, not short. 

Your Height	=	7 Foot Tall
That Which You Are	=	Tall
That Which You Are Not	=	Short

Therefore, “That which you ARE” is tall, and “That which you are NOT” is short.  You’re only tall, compared to people who are short.  If there were no short people there would be no one to compare yourself to, then you would not be tall in comparison to anyone.  So, “In the absence of that which you are NOT” (short), then that which you ARE (tall) is not!

I hope this is beginning to make sense by now!

So, if you can get your mind around this, then the next question to ask is how can you apply this in a practical way to your everyday life.

Well what we’re really talking about here is that YOU have to be the SOURCE of what you want to be part of your reality and not put your sense of identity in having a certain “Label” applied to you.  The reason for this is that not only can labels change as we’ve seen, but also when we invest ourselves in having a certain label to describe us, then we tend to attract by default the opposite to this.

Let me give you an example, have you ever experienced a situation of setting a Goal to “have money” and as soon as you set the Goal, you start losing money, bills turn up and it seems like you’ve actually attracted the exact opposite of what you wanted.

Well, there’s a couple of reasons for this.  One reason is that we attract what we are FEELING about, not what we are THINKING about.  So if you set a Goal to have money for example you start to think about all the things that you could do if you had money.  Like, if I had money I could pay all those stupid bills, I could get rid of this lousy car, I could quit my dead end job and so forth.  The Universe then analyses how you FEEL about those stupid bills, and because you get what you are FEELING about, The Universe brings you more situations that allow you to FEEL the same way as you do when you get those stupid bills.  Think about your lousy car and, you guessed it, The Universe brings you more experiences to make you FEEL that way.

But what I really wanted to get at here is that the other reason for this is because when we put our sense of identity in a label, The Universe will bring the opposite of that into our reality.  Let me explain why this is the case.  We all have a subconscious need to be true to our sense of identity and that includes the labels that we use for ourselves.  When we give ourselves a label, The Universe seeks to prove to us that the label we give ourselves is true by providing an example of the opposite.

Let me give you an example of this.  Let’s start out by using a simple example.  Let’s say that you see yourself as being a “Good” person.  If you label yourself as a “Good” person, then The Universe will instantly go to work trying to prove to you that what you say is true and you are indeed a good person.  The easiest way to do this is by bringing examples of the opposite of that into your reality.  So you see yourself as being a good person and the next thing you know you seem to have all kinds of bad, dishonest and untrustworthy people coming into your reality.  It’s The Universe’s way of saying, see compared to THIS person, you really are a good person!

The more important it is for you to be good, the more important it is for The Universe to prove that you’re right by showing you a greater contrast.  If it’s moderately important for you to be a good person then The Universe will respond by bringing into your reality a moderate level of contrast, a moderately bad or dishonest person.  The more important it is for you to have this label, the greater the level of contrast The Universe will show you.

That’s just an example, but the same applies to anything.  Use relationships as an example.  If you place high importance in being loyal and having integrity in a relationship, The Universe will prove to you that you are a loyal person of integrity by bringing into your reality the contrast of that.  You will keep encountering people who prove that, compared to them, you are a loyal person of integrity.

So if that is the case, then how can you ever get around this problem?  If you’re a good person, does this mean that you’re forever DOOMED to meeting only people who are the opposite of that?  Even worse, does that mean that if you want to have good people in your life, then you must become a BAD person yourself so that you can attract the contrast of that?

Well, the good news is the solution is actually quite simple and doesn’t involve you having to be a bad person!  You simply have to stop putting your sense of identity in labels and instead go within.  YOU have to be the source of what you want to be.  So if you want to be a good person for example, then you have to BE the source of what you believe it means to be a good person.  You simply stop labelling yourself as being a good person.  Break it down, instead of using the label “Good” what do you believe it means to be a good person?  Would a good person be honest and have integrity?  Well, if you break it down to that level and see yourself as being honest and having integrity, then you will attract the contrast of that, people who are dishonest and have no integrity!  No matter how far down you break it, if you’re using words as labels to describe yourself, you will attract the contrast.

So in other words, you stop using “words” to describe yourself, and your sense of identity instead comes from a more intangible FEELING from within.  Have you ever felt a really intense emotion that you couldn’t put into words?  We have a traumatic experience, like a death in the family, and we say that we are so upset that we can’t put how we feel into words.  Something profoundly wonderful, like the birth of your first child, happens and you say you’re so happy you can’t put how you feel into words.  That’s what we’re talking about here.  What used to be your label must now become an internal truth within you.  Something you don’t need to put into words because it has now become a part of you.

As I like to say it,

“When that which you are is not, that which you are not has no power over you”.

In simple terms, when you stop seeing yourself as being “Good”, or any other label, you also stop attracting the contrast.  And it doesn’t involve you NOT being what you were before.  To use the previous example, if you stop seeing yourself as being “Tall” you’ll still be the exact same height as you were before, you just stop using the label.  Stop seeing yourself as being “Good” and at your core, you’ll still be the same person you were before.  Your character remains unchanged, just as your height would.

Try this out!  Internalise the things that are important to you, stop using labels for them and instead BE THE SOURCE!

Leave a comment below to let me know how you’re going with this.

Are You A River Or Rock?

Now I’m not usually one to use analogies like this, but I think with all the talk we’ve had recently of Goal Setting and so forth, this might be a useful analogy for you moving forward for the coming year.  So to use this analogy, there are basically 2 types of people.  “River” people, and “Rock” people.

The Rock Person.

The “Rock” is sedentary.  It doesn’t move, it doesn’t go anywhere.  It stays in one place, inflexible and unchanging.  It stands in defiance of its environment and time but is ultimately shaped by time and the environment.  The hands of time, water, wind and rain will gradually wear away at the Rock and shape it over time.

The River Person.

The River is a mover and shaker.  It doesn’t stand still, it’s always on the move.  The river is flexible and can adapt to its surroundings but ultimately the River will, in the end, shape its surroundings.  The Grand Canyon was created by a River!  The river is free flowing, the giver of life.  The River is RELENTLESS, it just keeps going until it reaches its destination.  Throughout time, Rivers have been the highways of industry, the thing that keeps economies moving, civilisations have thrived on the banks of Rivers and Towns and Cities have been born due to their proximity to a River.

Which type of person are you?  Are you a Rock that is stuck in your ways, unable to change or adapt until life wears you away?  Are you a River, free flowing and constant, able to adapt to your surroundings, flexible yet relentless, you keep going until you reach your Goal?

I believe we are all BORN as Rivers, but some BECOME Rocks.  We are all born free flowing, and relentless.   How do you think you learn to walk?  You learn to walk because you are relentless, you keep trying UNTIL you succeed.  That’s why it’s said that it’s just as well we learn to walk as babies, otherwise we probably never would.  The ROCK mindset would try to walk a couple of times and then decide that it’s just too hard to walk and that you’ll never be able to do it.

So if we all start out as Rivers, how do some of us become Rocks?  We become Rocks by being like Rocks.  Rock people are inflexible, they don’t change, the do the same thing today as they did yesterday. 

Personally, I proudly declare to the world that I am a River!  I am RELENTLESS!!  I am a River because I honour the fact that I, like everyone else, was born that way.  I have constantly made the conscious choice throughout my life to BE a River and not allow myself to become a Rock.  I started my first Business when I was 18.  It wasn’t a huge success but it was a HUGE learning experience.  Throughout my life I’ve experienced MASSIVE success and heartbreaking failures.   But as Tony Robbins says, “There are no failures, only results!”   Or to steal a line from Billy Joel, “If I see it as experience, it hasn’t gone to waste.  Lately all the missing pieces have been falling in to place”.

I am where I am today because I’ve been like a River, I’ve been relentless, I’ve carved out a path and I never stop until I reach my Goal.

My question to you is, what kind of a person are you?  Are you a Rock, do you sit unchanging, stubbornly watching life pass you by?  Are you a River, are you constantly changing and evolving to embrace new things, moving through periods of peace and tranquillity and periods of white water rapids of life?  You will from time to time have obstacles in your path, Rocks will try and stop you, but a River will not be bound.  A Rock stuck in a River will be smoothed over by the relentless passing of the River.  As we said before, The Grand Canyon was made by a River that refused to be stopped or bound, it continued RELENTLESSLY and changed its environment as it went.

Are you a River?

If you are a River, then boldly declare that to the world by proudly leaving a comment below, and don’t use small caps.  Boldly and proudly declare that you are a RIVER !!!!

Are you a Rock?

GREAT NEWS!!!  Our transformational programs can unleash the potential that is within you, empower you to overcome the problems of the past and dynamically transform you into the River that you were born to be.  Check out our website for more information on the programs that we offer.

www.dreamfulfilmentlab.com